Written by Mikasha Dawson
This month of May will always be a sad month for me. It will always be the month you left and I stayed. The fifteenth of this month marks the third year. There is no pain comparable to the separation of a mother and child.
Death has to stop controlling my mind. When unexplainable thoughts of you crossing over to leave this world and moving on to the next come to mind an uneasy feeling of terror of finding you there comes over me. It takes the life out of me and it stabs my heart in a million pieces. I feel cold as ice and I don’t like talking about it. I hate saying it. My sweet baby girl what did you do? It continues to kill my spirit more and more as I try to accept the reality as reality.
So, here’s what I have to do. I have to stop with that reality and tell that voice, the voice of lies, the enemy, he is a liar.
As ugly and dark as it may all seem, my beloved daughter was there only seconds and it was just a path to crossing over from that closet to the Kingdom, the final destination, which is our true home, where we all will be eventually.
Death is scary, not only as an unusual shock to the way it looks but, it’s the hardest trial many of us will ever experience. It has taken me some time, three years and still going on without accepting it. At this point I’m done trying. I will keep in mind what’s to come.
What I see here is not final, it’s not forever. It’s not even that long compared to the next chapter we all will face. So be it three years, let time keep passing by. The way I see it each day, month and year are only moments closer to going home to see my little girl. Then I will find rest and then I can accept the way this life is meant to be.
As I continue to walk down this road in life I will want nothing but for you to be here. You missed your sister’s First Communion, her first day in Junior High school. You missed your eighteenth birthday and you missed our first family dog.
It brings me down to my knees sometimes but life seems to keep me here. I often cry until I pass out. I miss you not sometimes, not some moments but every moment and all of the time.
My whole being has never given me a break from missing you, my beautiful baby girl. I have to force myself to keep in mind I don’t have to accept it and I do not have to get used to it. I just have to get through it and keep on breathing the only way I know how. I will continue to keep in mind that at any moment I can open my eyes and you will be there, smiling back at me.